Doug & Neely Rozas, Holly & Marcus Gray, Mike (The Amsterdam Crew)
The narrowest house (the black window frames above the the black door in the middle.)
Canal view
Street performer
Getting ready for the gay parade!! Yee haw!!
We returned to Amsterdam on the 5th of August. It was a day trip by bus, leaving at 8am and returning by 10:30pm. We went with 2 other couples and had a very…uh…interesting time. The trip started of with a vote by the passengers to leave even though four people were missing. Which in my mind, is a good start…..OK, so I’m a bitch…I’ve never denied it.
Upon arrival at the city center 2 ½ hours later we made our way across a bridge and down to the canal boats where we had a lovely tour of the canals and waterways of the city. This is an Amsterdam “must do.” Along the tour we saw the famous “leaning houses” and the narrowest house in the city, which was slightly over a window wide. Our guide said that the dog that lives there can only wag his tail up and down as there is no room for side-to-side movement. (ha ha).
The next stop was lunch and then down to the Dam for some people watching. We were well rewarded as there were a plethora of street performers competing for our attention and money. Unfortunately many of the performers were dressed like there were statues and then made mechanical motions if someone dropped a coin in their cup. It’s neat the first few times you see it, but every large city here has these types of performers so it’s nothing new. The fire eater was the most impressive of the performers, especially after he performed his last stunt and the crowd quickly dispersed as he began demanding payment. The last thing I heard him say way “Cheap tourist bastards.” I think that he should go into sales.
It was our intention was to get a spot on a canal bank so that we could drink beer and watch the gay pride parade that was going on that day. The sun was out, the sky was clear, and we needed more beer. So we found a nice open spot that was about half filled and began our wait. Every few minutes a boat would motor by with families, friend, or men in drag wearing pink wigs. So we were confidant that this was the correct canal. The street behind us was closed of and filled with vendors selling beer, fish, and other Dutch treats. A few beers, later Holly decided that she was hungry and went of in search of a snack. She came back with what she claimed was battered chicken. I thought it was a bit strange that there was, what appeared to be, tarter sauce on the side but since the Dutch eat “different” food I decided not to worry. Of course after the first bite she realized that it was indeed fish. She offered the tray to the rest of us who had already claimed that we were not hungry. Of course we spent the next few minutes munching on fried fish chunks.
After about 90 minutes a guy came along and informed everyone that we were on the wrong canal. One of the husbands really had no interest in waiting any longer for a parade that he didn’t even want to see so it was decided that we would tour the famous Red Light District instead. (Another Amsterdam “must do”). At this point we will in the middle of the "gay" area and just cracked up when we realized that someone was blasting a Toby Keith song. With a few minutes walking we were right in the center of things. Even in the bright sunlight many of the “girls” were working their windows dressed in skimpy bikinis and assorted cheap lingerie. After a stroll around the neighborhood we took a beer break. From our street side bench we were treated to one heck of a view of a very comical hooker. She was African, had very, very large breast, wore a black PVC bustier, PVC short-shorts, platform thigh-high boots, tons of make-up, and to top it all of she was smoking a hand rolled cigar (yes, it was tobacco) that had been speared by a small stick which she used to hold the cigar. She stood at the open door of her work space and at different points all we could see was a rolling cloud of thick smoke and her boots. Based on the number of men that went into her “office” she was doing a fairly good business.
Next we headed to Casa Rosa to experience Amsterdam at its sleaziest…yep, we went to see a live sex show. To be very honest, it was not at titillating as I had hoped….(titillating…get it?). Our daytime ticket was good for 4 “shows” in the smaller theater across the canal and would allow back into the larger theater later that night for 7 “shows.” We had to leave at 8pm, so off across the canal bridge we went and up some very narrow stairs to a tiny little 2nd floor “theater.” The room had a small stage in front then about six pews on each side, and a bar wedged into a corner. We had walked in during the first part of the 4th show and took our seats a few rows back from the stage.
The shows were pretty graphic…so skip this paragraph if you don’t want to know what happened. The girl was dancing for the first song and then stripped for the second song, ending her set with a “trick.” That was the pattern followed by the two other “show girls.” The first girl’s “trick” was to lay spread eagle on her back and remove some very large beads that were strung together from her….well….you know where. The second girl came out for her set, danced for a song, stripped during the second song and for her trick she showed us what Monica Lewinski did with cigars in the oval office. I swear she blew rings of smoke from her coochie at one point. Then she gave the cigar to a guy in the first row. He actually took a drag and then passed it to his buddy…..YUCK!! The third girl’s trick was to insert a lit candle (flame out) while on her back, roll up to a shoulder stand and then make the candle stick “flick” back and fourth. The weird part is that no of the girls smiled or flirted at they performed like the girls in American strip clubs do. We figured that it was because they were already getting paid and that they we not working for tips. Marcus joked that one girl used to smile before she started “chasing the dragon.” The finale was the live sex show and unfortunately I will have some images burned into my mind that make me beg for an early onset of Alzheimer’s. The curtain opened and a couple stood on stage wearing black hooded robes. The music playing was Enigma (trust me you’ve heard the song. It’s the one dance song with monks chanting in the background.) The couple was perfectly choreographed to the music, fondling each other under the robes and then with the robes pulled back, faces still covered. At one point the woman’s face was exposed, but the hood of her robe was pulled to resemble a nun’s habit…ewwww….Their bodies were very average and they were both in their early 40’s. Under the robes he wore a black bikini and she wore a red leather bustier and platform boots, which left the rest of her “exposed” for the show. She, uh….”worked” on him for a while (in time to the music of course) and then he laid down where she did all of the work changing the directing that she was facing then they turned so that everyone had a side view. The sad part was that he never…hmmmmm…”fully arose” to the occasion. But I guess having sex 10 times a day would cause that. When the song ended (it’s was a long song, too long), the curtain closed…there was no “happy ending” for which we were all a bit grateful. It was a very surreal experience. I’m glad I went as now I have one hell of a story…but I think that I might be scarred for life. To be honest, I think I would have had more fun at the canal gay pride parade…..then again, I still haven’t been into the “Banana Bar” where they….well, I’m sure that you can figure that out on your own.
After the show our stunned group of six…or is that “sex”…went into a fetish shop just to check out the gear. The saleslady was very rude and not at all amused by our giggling. We left and went to another tiny sex shop down the street. The clerk asked if he could help us and I said “no, we’re just looking.” He promptly informed us that the “museum was down the street.” I’m guessing that they don’t make a lot of money off of American tourist in those places. Lets face it, we like to browse.
We finished up with a nice dinner and then boarded our bus back home. Yep….Amsterdam…been there…done that!!
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